Getting Through the Holidays

"I just need to get through the holidays, then I'll start the job search."
"I just need to get through the holidays, then I'll be able to relax and work on all the work piling up for school."
"I just need to get through the holidays so that I can get back to a normal schedule."

Lately, I have found myself thinking all three of those sentences. It was just in passing; a fleeting moment. These thoughts are unfortunate, and a horrible way to view the holidays. Christmas has taken on a new perspective for me this year: My family isn't doing much with gifts, and therefore I am able to truly reflect on what Christmas means to me. Christmas is about Jesus-- He is the ultimate gift to the world, and Christmas is our time to reflect on all He is and does in our lives, as a family. How lucky we are to be able to join together as a family, both extended and immediate, to be with each other on this wonderful day! I am truly blessed.

But I wanted to "get through the holidays." That way I could get back to all the things I had been putting off, since I am on "break." But, after some reflection, many questions have arisen.

When did the holidays become a stepping stone, a mere bridge, from one task to the next? When did the holidays end up being this anomaly that we just looked past so that we could "get back to normal"? Why do the holidays have to have such a stressful time that we can't see the true beauty of what the holidays bring?

We have an opportunity, as a family, this holiday season, to get together and celebrate each other. Motives or intentions of being there aside, my ENTIRE immediate family was at the reunion for a lengthy amount of time. How amazing is that! Especially given the crazy schedules and life stages me and my brothers are currently in. We were all able to be there; I was elated, to say the least.

And come Christmas, so many of my family members will be in one spot. Cousins who live far away are here; we can celebrate as a whole extended family. That is a neat opportunity that most don't get to experience.

I don't want to "get through the holidays." I want to use the holidays to get together and love with my family. I want to realize the beauty of my risen Savior and reflect on His birth.

"Getting through the holidays" means we are forfeiting the opportunity to celebrate and reflect on the birth of our Savior and His purpose for our lives.
"Getting through the holidays" means we are letting go of the chance to love with, share with, and be with our families.
"Getting through the holidays" signifies that we are forgetting to live in the present sometimes. Living in the present has such beautiful poignancy that I feel we too often neglect and look past.

And so it goes...

Word Choice

There have been several people in my life who tell me about how much power words contain. I have always known this, but lately I have learned about the true power of words in my life. And it's because of the word choices that I have made that have caused me to realize this power.

If you know me at a relatively close level, you know that I have been experiencing a lot of stress lately. There have been health problems landing me in numerous doctor's offices, such as the ER, all to tell me that I am perfectly healthy and they can't figure out why I am having trouble breathing, or why my heart is hurting. It's caused me to do a lot of self-reflection to try and determine what may be happening in my life. And I've come to the conclusion that I am dealing with depression and anxiety.

When I first determined this, I told some people that I was "suffering" from depression. It's a common phrase I've heard passed around from time to time with various family members and friends who have gone through this experience as well. When other people tell me that they are suffering from depression, it doesn't bother me. However, once I started using it to describe myself, I realized the power of that word: suffering.

Because, see, I'm not suffering. Sure, it's hard for me to get out of bed in the morning. Yes, I lack the normal amount of energy I usually contain. Correct, I do have legitimate anxiety attacks and panic attacks on a weekly basis. But, no. I am not  suffering from depression.
Suffering, to me, sounds like I am being restrained.
Suffering, to me, sounds like I am unable to keep going.
Suffering, to me, sounds like I am helpless.

It was getting me down. Every time I said it. But as I was reflecting on the past weeks, I was floored at the power of God in my life.
Through Christ, I am not struggling to be free. He bought my freedom. Yes, of course I do struggle in life, but I am not struggling to be free. I'm not restrained. (2 Corinthians 3:17)
Through Christ, I'm given the strength to face tomorrow. I can keep pressing on, because I know and believe that I'm going to make it. (Psalm 34:17)
Through Christ, I am granted all the help I need. (Psalm 46:1)
      - I have family/friends who provide comfort and love
      - I have counselors who provide knowledge and wisdom
      - I have a Savior who sees all of my struggles, and pulls me through; a loving Lord who is bigger         than my weaknesses, stronger than my failures, and sees the big picture that is my life.

Instead of saying "suffering" from depression/anxiety, now I say to myself that I am living my life, and working to get through depression. Because I'm still living. Because I have support that is unbelievable. Because I'm going to get through this.

And God is just so good, ya know?

Anyway.. now I'm learning about the power of words. And since my word of the year is "choice", I am making a conscious effort to focus on my word choices when describing things. I have taken time to carefully think about what I'm trying to describe so that my words are accurate and give a full representation of my point.

May my word choices be a reflection of Christ who is shining through me.
May my word choices demonstrate love, support, and be up-lifting.

And so it goes...

Mid-semester Check-in

So.. hello.

Student Teaching is nearing it's half-way point. Which means that I am halfway done with student teaching. Which means I'm halfway through the penultimate step of achieving my dream of becoming a music teacher! (With the ultimate step graduating, of course). Wow. Life is crazy.

Anywho, I thought I would give a mid-semester check in, for those curious (I'll still give it, even for those who aren't curious). If you know me at all, you know I love lists, so prepare yourself.

1. Student teaching is so AWESOME! Wow, I'm presented with such unique and cool opportunities-- I feel so blessed. For example, I got to accompany the Olentangy Orange High School Marching Band to the OSU Skull Session this weekend. I've been to Skull Sessions before, but this time I was on the ground floor, which was WAY cool. Also, I've been able to network with other teachers in the Olentangy School district. I took posters to other elementary schools and met their music teachers. It was nice to get to meet them and get my face out there. I also helped out with the Instrument Fitting night for the 5th graders, so I was able to meet another middle school band director as well as many music representatives from Rettig and Music and Arts.

2. I've learned so much in such a short time. I've learned how I want to do things, and also how I do not want to do things. Not only have I learned a lot about teaching, but I've also learned a ton about myself. Such as the following:

• I get overwhelmed very easily. When I am given multiple tasks to do, even if they're easy, I get very worked up inside and stress out over them. I think it's because I'm a bit of a perfectionist and want to get them done as best as I can and as quickly as I can. But when I feel like I'm not getting them done quick enough, I get very worked up and disappointed in myself.
• I get sick kind of easily. In the short 6 weeks I've been student teaching I have missed a 1.5 days of school due to a nasty cold I was fighting. I also ended up in the nurses clinic because I couldn't breath (I'm still working on that one). My cooperating teacher thinks that it's because I care too much and go too hard, which could be the case.
• I feel most comfortable when I am super prepared. Whenever I get the chance to talk out my lesson with my cooperating teacher the day before, and am therefore able to write out a detailed lesson plan, I feel very confident in my teaching. HOWEVER, I'm getting much better at my teaching on the fly scenario.
• I'm not very organized. I like to pretend I am, but I'm not. And the real kicker is I have the capabilities and methods of being SUPER organized (almost OVER-Organized), but I never take the time to really put my organization methods into place. I'm working on that; it's actually my challenge from my cooperating teacher.
• I'm way too hard on myself, which creates a cycle of craziness linked to my first point.\
• I miss my family more than I could even describe. I've learned that I am a huge family guy. Whenever I talk with my CT (cooperating teacher) about my family, I get choked up because I care about and miss them that much. And it's weird, because generally I see them every Thursday night. But I still miss them.

3. I love band, and am having a great time working in the band world. It has a special place in my heart. HOWEVER, if I had to choose RIGHT NOW, I would say that I would want to work in middle school choir. But, if you've ever listened or read my teaching philosophy, you know that I just love and believe in the power of music as a whole entity, so of course I'll teach wherever God leads me

4. God is my rock and a constant friend. I lean on Him daily to get through each day, because I know I can't get through without Him. I am thankful that He knows my name and hears me when I call. His blessings are always overflowing and the right amount at the same time. 

5. I absolutely despise the SYE projects and TPA that I have to do for my Student Teaching Experience. I see the benefit in both of them, and know they will make me a better teacher and a more well-rounded person; however, I do not like how time consuming and high stakes they feel. They put a lot of pressure on me-- and I wake up every morning feeling nervous because I feel behind in all of it. 

6. I have the best support system in the world. From my cooperating teacher to my supervisor to my friends and family, to my beautiful girlfriend... I am blessed to have people who want to make me a better teacher and a better person.

My Seminar professor said that Student Teaching has a way of bringing out the lessons you need to learn as an individual, even though all of us are experiencing the "same thing." My lessons are to be more organized, to be more thankful, and to continue to improve my teaching craft. All in all, so far student teaching has helped me realize that I chose the perfect career for me and am exactly where I need to be. 

And so it goes...

"Hey! How's student teaching going?"

Of course, they have the best intentions in mind.
Of course, they are just trying to show they care about me and what is going on in my life.

But, sometimes I wonder if people understand how loaded some of their questions are.

"Hey! How's student teaching going?" is probably the most asked question I receive on a weekly basis. Friends I happen to run into, supervisors, family members... they all ask it. At least they know what I'm up to! That makes me feel great. But, "how's student teaching going" is a question that cannot be answered in a simple, catch-all phrase that will get the point across. That will cut to the chase. No, there isn't one phrase that will suffice, other than  "Well, you know.. it's going" (and you have to put the emphasis on the going so people understand there is a lot more implied).

And that's because student teaching is so many things all at once.

Student teaching is great! For 99% of my experience, student teaching is wonderful. I'm so blessed to be able to step foot into a real-life classroom every day for a span of 12 weeks and truly hone the crazy craft that is teaching. It's an honor to work with one of the most talented teachers and passionate teachers I've ever seen; I learn so much from her in one classroom alone. It's incredible! And she's so caring, and knowledgable, and gives amazing feedback. I am thankful to work with her. I'm thankful for this experience

Student teaching is stressful. Even that is an understatement. I LOVE the TEACHING part of student teaching.. but the class portion stresses me out just a touch. So many TLAs (Three Letter Acronyms) thrown at me. On top of teaching every day, I have to fill out a Teaching Performance Assessment (TPA), which is a very detailed, very agonizing document that showcases my teaching. It's a great tool, and will in the end make me a better teacher. But I don't really know what I'm doing with it, and much like the rest of my life, the music world is WAAAYYY different than all the other disciplines. So it's hard to figure it out. And THEN, I have to work on my Senior Year Experience (SYE) project which challenges me to expand my focus to more than just the classroom and create a project that helps out the community I am teaching in. Again, it's a great concept, but nothing has really been explained to me. I have handouts and flyers and guidebooks, but that is essentially just words on a page that teach me nothing.  So yes, student teaching is stressful. I feel like I'm swimming in work that I haven't started yet because I'm not quite sure WHERE to start.

Student teaching is lonely. I am on a different schedule than pretty much all of my other friends. I see my roommates, and they're great. However, I don't get to see any of my other friends on a regular basis because I am at school all day, and they're at class. When I get home, they're still at class. OR, I get home and am so exhausted that I nap for part of the afternoon, and spend my evening working on lesson plans and other work. It's great, and definitely teaching me about time management and how to balance work-life and home-life; but, I don't really get to see my friends. And being the extrovert that I am, being alone all the time is extremely draining. Some may argue, "But Brice, don't you spend your whole day with students?" Yes. Yes I do. But they aren't my friends who I have life experiences with.. so I get lonely sometimes. And it takes me down.

Student teaching is everything I'd hoped it would be! This statement is so true. Every day I go into the school, I am certain that this is the right field for me to be in. I'm excited to start my career as a new teacher, and look forward to shaping the minds of my students. They will love music as much as I do in some way or another! But seriously, student teaching has been fabulous so far. I have laughed, I have cried, I have gotten sick, but I have never been more happy to be where I am now.

Student teaching is NOTHING like I'd thought. Although it is everything I'd hoped in the sense of my feelings. It's going in NO way like I had thought it would. And, honestly, that's a good thing. It's better than what I thought, because it's real. It's happening. And it's a wild ride.

Student teaching is not for the weak-hearted. It is a rough time. But, man, is it worth it.

So.."Brice, How is student teaching going?"

"It's...going."

And so it goes...

Just Be Held

Recently, I was able to go see Casting Crowns in concert.

Now, you may or may not know that Casting Crowns is my favorite group. You may or may not know that I have almost every song memorized by heart, and often meditate on the meanings behind each song. You may or may not know that it's Casting Crowns songs that cause me to have a lot of those "face plant" moments that I talk a lot about on here. You may or may not know that this was my very first Casting Crowns concert, and you may or may not know that I had a "face plant"/"Wow, God" moment during this concert.

Their new album, Thrive,  is an emotionally-charged album full of reflective works as well as those that speak downright truth with no holding back. One of my most favorites from this new album is the song "Just Be Held." I'm confident that if you read some of their lyrics, you too will love this song:

[ So when you're on your knees 

An answer seems so far away

You're not alone,

Stop holding on and just be held

You're world's not falling apart

It's falling into place

I'm on the throne,

Stop holding on and just be held

Just be held ]

Those words are extremely powerful to me. I think about them often; it speaks to my life directly. I need to stop trying to hold on through my own power. God has got it all under control! I tell people that. I believe that. It's time to start acting that. I need to stop holding on and just be held in the arms of my Savior. This song is equally poignant because I wrote a song for my godson, in which, by the grace of God, I penned the words, "Rest in the peace of the Creator of the stars." Perhaps God was already preparing my heart for this Casting Crowns song; by forming a different interpretation of "being held," or better yet, to reach the understanding of in order to rest with the Creator of the stars, you have to allow yourself to "just be held."

God's been building all of these points on throughout the past few months. I am also finishing a research project, where I am discussing the simplicity of a contemporary Christian piano composer. Because of this project, I have found myself dwelling in the idea and power of simplicity. A lot of faith is so simple-- God loves us! And we need God! That's such a simple concept, and yet contains the infinite power of a relentless Savior.

But the simplicity of "just be held" didn't quite sink in until I was at the Casting Crowns concert.

If you don't know me, you don't know that I love to sing. A lot. And, as I said before, Casting Crowns is my favorite group, so I sing at the top of my capacity with unashamed release whenever I am listening to their songs. It just so happened that they sang "Just Be Held" at the concert I attended recently. I was watching them perform, reading the words off the screen, and truly entering a moment of prayer. I remember praying, "allow me to be held, Father."

As the chorus (lyrics above) reached the beginning of its first iteration, my 1-year-old godson came toddling over to me under the table in the suite we were in for the concert. He had been a ball of energy the entire night, but in that one instance he appeared very calm. As Mark Hall sang the words "Just be held" at the end of the chorus, I look down to find my 1-year-old godson reaching up at me, longing to be held. Without even thinking I bend down, scoop him up into my arms and wrap him in the biggest hug of love I could offer. I really love that little guy.

And then it hit me.

IT IS THAT SIMPLE. To just be held, you have to be willing to release control to the one who is holding you. The one who is holding you is the one who controls where you go, how long you stay there, even what you see. And that's what God is wanting. He wants control over where we go, who we see, what we see, how long we stay there... He wants COMPLETE control over our lives. Why? Because to Him, "my future is a memory" (Casting Crowns, "Already There"). He knows what He's doing. It's time to embrace the simplicity and "Just Be Held"

And so it goes...

Choice

Look in
Look out
Look up

Those were the words my professor encouraged us with when discussing New Years resolutions. Of course, such resolutions had no meaning in our class. It just happened to be topic that her speech lead to, and therefore she began talking about it. Instead of choosing a resolution that you won't keep, my professor encouraged us to find a word or words that would be our words for the year. In order to find that word, we first needed to look inwardly to see how we were feeling in that moment (Wherever you are is called here, another quote from this professor). Then we were asked to look out at the people who we hold most dear. The ones we admire and care about. Look out at the ones who we feel for and to those from whom we draw inspiration. Finally, we were to look up to what gives us joy, feeds our faith, and again gives us inspiration.

I left that class thinking that it would be cool to have a word of the year, but I didn't think that I would commit to it. I told myself that if I didn't commit to finding a word of the year I wouldn't be disappointed when I didn't.

But then I did.



This past week has been one of the toughest weeks of my life. People who came in contact with me this week wouldn't have imagined that. I wore a wonderfully poised facade that displayed a content person unharmed by anything. And in essence, I was extremely happy. I love my placement. I love working with kids to make music. I love what I am doing.
But I didn't have peace.
I was stuck in this sin hole- knowing my sin was unholy. Reading about sin in my bible, and searching for answers for my life (Jesus is the answer, my dear friend Karly would remind me). I needed  to know that I was okay. And then, yet again, the song "All You've Ever Wanted" by Casting Crowns came on and I was reminded that God had taken care of everything.

EVERYTHING.

Like, He sent his ONLY Son to die for me. He continually reassures me that He never lets go, and that He is in control, because He's God. No small thing in Christ is truly small, because our God is BIG. God has taken care of everything, and has washed my sins away.
It is now my choice to accept that forgiveness.
My choice to accept the power and fact that He is God.
My choice  to not continue the life of sin (because God has given us freedom and allows us to choose- which again is because GOD IS BIG).

And here's the catch. Yes, of course I made that choice when I became a Christian. I chose to accept the love from a Savior who was so evident and so.. THERE... But that's not it. I have to make the choice DAILY. Every day, I have to wake up and choose not to walk in the darkness, but step into the Light of my Savior. Every day I have to deny myself, and make the choice to accept that God has already done it for me. He has already paid the price. He has already shed the blood.

Luke 9:23 "Then he said to them all: Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me."

Do you know what my word of the year is? (I'll give you a hint: It's also the title of this blog).

And now it is my choice to end this blog.

And so it goes...